Welcome to the
CARIBBEAN HuMoR CONNECTION
A JAMWORLD MOVEMENTS PROJECT SINCE 1995
Just some jokes that West Indian folks seem to find funny. Got a joke from "yard" that you wanna share? Email us!! Please keep an open mind when reading these jokes, as JAMWORLD MOVEMENTS ENTERPRISES does not claim responsibility for the contents there-of. We would like to take this time to credit the authors, all of which are unknown to us!!! Before proceeding, please take the time to read our DISCLAIMER, which humorously spells out our policy....
THE CLASSICS
Three worst Chinese torture tests (Long)
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
Little Johnny ( A Lesson about Marriage. )
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None...", replied Johnny. "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
An African Proverb (Long)
Way down in deepest darkest Africa, there lived a monkey and his best friend elephant. They did nearly everything together. One day Elephant was walking through the jungle to friend monkey's house when he fell into a pool of quicksand."Oh no! " thinks Elephant. "If I don't get out of here soon I'll drown!!" "Help me! Help me! I've fallen into a pool of quicksand and I can't get out!", he trumpets. Monkey hears his friend Elephant calling and swings through the trees to see what is going on. He gets to the pool of quicksand and sees his friend Elephant nearly totally under the quicksand. "Don't worry friend Elephant I'll get you out!" So Monkey thinks for a minute and then races through the jungle back to his house to get his red ferrari out of the jungle. Monkey screams back to the quicksand in his red ferrari, ties a rope to the tow bar and tosses the other end to Elephant. "Here, friend Elephant! Hold onto the rope and I'll pull you out." "Brrmm. Brrmm" Monkey revs up the engine and finally pulls his friend Elephant out of the quicksand. "Oh thank you. Thank you friend Monkey. You've saved my life. I'm indebted to you for ever!!" "That's O.K. friend Elephant. What are friends for?"
For a few weeks, everything was going along just fine. Elephant was happily wandering through the jungle. Monkey was happily swinging through the trees. One day Monkey was swinging through the trees as usual until his hand missed the vine and he fell into the same pool of quicksand. "Oh no! I've fallen into a pool of quicksand and I can't get out! Help me. Help me! If I don't get out I'll drown!" Because of Elephant's huge ears, he hears the call for help straight away and starts crashing through the jungle to find his friend Monkey. Elephant finally finds his friend Monkey and says: "Don't worry friend Monkey. I'll save you!!" Elephant stops to think how he can get his friend Monkey out of the quicksand. He thinks, "Well I'm too big to get into his red ferrari so I'll have to think of something else!"
All of a sudden he comes up with this great idea! "I know what I'll do!" While Elephant was standing on the side of the quicksand pool he created this huge hard on. He grunts and groans until it is as big as he can get it. "Here friend Monkey, grab hold of this and I'll pull you out of the quicksand!" So Monkey grabs hold of Elephant's penis. Elephant backs up and backs up until Monkey is clear of the quicksand. "Oh thank you, thank you, friend Elephant!! You saved my life! I'm indebted to you forever!" "That's O.K.friend Monkey. What are friends for?"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
If you have a big dick, you don't need a red ferrari!!
CHINESE 101
NOTE: for best results...say the chinese phrase out loud....
CHINESE PHRASE ENGLISH TRANSLATION
Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wan Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Dum Gai A stupid person
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Approach me
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi Not very good
Lin Ching An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Do or Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History (Very Long)
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night!
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
***********
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time!
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
************
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken!
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
**************
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits oforganic foods!
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
************
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head!
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
**************
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which startedthe jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging!
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
*************
And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot.
He died of infection.
LIFE NUH EASY!
Little Johnny ( A Lesson about Sex. )
Little Johnny is confused about sex. To teach him, his mom asks him to do her a favor.
"Johnny, take off my skirt."
He takes off his mom's skirt.
"Now, Johnny, take off my blouse."
He unbuttons her blouse.
"Johnny, take off my bra now!"
He reaches around and removes her bra.
Now, Johnny? What have I told you about wearing my clothes?!
Children's Books That Were Banned Last Year
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Maybe Dick
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
Those Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. Hmmmmmmmmm....... I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND NUMBER 1
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
INTER-OFFICE MEMO (Very Long)
Fm: Hugh Mongus
Sb: Apology
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a general feeling of unfriendliness; and since some of you openly called me a dirty SOB, I know I must have done something wrong at our last office party. The office manager called me today from the hospital, and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I approach you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Utrect, I am sorry for all the things I called you. I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese lady of the evening. You wife is indeed a delightful woman, and my story of your buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About that water cooler incident -- well, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope they didn't hurt your head when they were trying to remove the glass jug.
To comely Miss Smith, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the 2nd floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed of top of you, I'm sure you will admit it was certainly one of the biggest thrills you have ever experienced.
Roland, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if the fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window -- she sure did break your fall. People have been killed falling three stories, haven't they?
Mr. Hollander, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm; but, of course I had no way of knowing the Fire Marshall would be such a bad sport. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is so cold!
Richard, I know how you must have felt about me. Opening the door to the mop closet suddenly must have startled you and Mrs. Calder. When I think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your trousers -- well, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your new plates.
Marge, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you had passed out in the ladies' room is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit much, but, like I said, I was somewhat intoxicated.
To the rest of you, I'm sorry. Setting Mrs. Whittman's panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is suing for divorce because of that silly incident. Wee-wee-ing in everybody's drink was in bad taste, I do admit; not telling them until they all drank them was in even worse taste, I'm afraid.
Now that I've apologized to all and know I'm forgiven, I have a surprise for you: Even though I don't work here anymore, I'm going to do my darndest to be good when I play Santa Claus at the next officeChristmas party!
The Payback
A guy stops over his friend's house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one. He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says, I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast. She agrees and shows him the other one. He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stoppedover.
He says "great", did he drop off the $200 he owes me?
7 Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#7 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
#6 I am looking for some panties. Please show me what you have.
#5 Mom will love this.
#4 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#1 Does this come in adolescent sizes?
The Unflaterring Boat
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and the owner of a small delapidated boat.
It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John said, 'Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible.'
Joe said, 'Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle.'
The Old Lady Fainted.
Doctor Doctor
Patient: Doctor, I tend to get fat in certain places. What should I do?
Doctor: Keep away from those places.
****
Doctor: How were those pills I prescribed to improve your memory?
Patient: I forgot to take them!
****
A man walked into a doctor's office with his suit ripped and his arms and
face bleeding.
The nurse took one look at him and asked, "Have an accident?"
The man replied, "No thanks, I already had one."
****
Patient: Doctor, something is wrong with me. I keep thinking I'm a frog.
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Since I was a tadpole.
****
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. My neck feels like a pipe and my muscles are as tight as steel bands.
Doctor: I think you should stop taking the iron pills.
****
I think it's only fair that a doctor who prescribes a placebo should be paid with counterfeit money.
BWOY & GAL
Short N' Sweet
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.
********
The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
*********
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
**********
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Bill and the Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wifecould see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
The Birds & the Bees
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
The Good Samaritan
A wife was arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tire and bedraggled, so I brought he home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"
15 All Time Great Pick Up Lines (Long)
1. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
2. Is your father a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
3. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
4. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
5. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
7. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
8. Nice shoes. Wanna have sex?
9. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
10. Sex me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
11. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
12. [Tap your thigh] I bet you think this is my leg.
13. [for the photographically inclined] How about coming into my darkroom, and we'll see what develops.
14. Touch your finger to your tongue and then touch your 'wet' finger on an article of his/her clothing. Then say "How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?"
15. So... How am I doin'?
EDUMACATION
Little Johnny ( A Lesson about Fruits. )
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bad and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
The Math Exam
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _____________________ Gang:________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootingscan he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4 x 4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 - 4 x 4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $20,000 for the hit that put him there. If his common-law wife is spending $200 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
EXTRA CREDIT: Juan sells crack. He sells one vial to Vinnie, and another to Rita. Vinnie returns the vial claiming it was whack. How many bullets does Vinnie have in his head?
Little Johnny (A Lesson about Vocabulary) (Long)
Little Johnny is in the fourth grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence:
Forclose- If I don't pay alimony this month, i'll have no money forclose.
Rectum- I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.
Hotel- I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
Disappointment- My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
Penis- I went to the doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
Israel- Alonzo tried to sell me a rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said bullshit that watch israel.
Catacomb- Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.
Undermine- There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.
Acoustic- When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
Iraq- When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.
Stain- My mother-in-law stopped by for dinner and I axed her do you plan on stain.
Seldom- Darnell gave me two tickets to the game,and I went to seldom.
Odyssey- I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
Horde- My sister got in trouble because she horde around.
Tripoli- My ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a tripoli.
Fortify- I axed the ho how much and she said fortify is the price honey.
Income- I just got in bed with lois and income my wife
HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY (Very Long)
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of meat parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
******Drink liquor******
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on theeconomy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
******Make things up********
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
****NOTE: Always make up exact figures.****
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
*******Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases******
Memorize this list: Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", " e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
********Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks*********
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic:
YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
OR
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons!!
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